Sunday, September 8, 2013

..::Sweet Late Night - Procrastination, Much?::..

I'm in a place where I know what I want, almost exactly, but I'm not quite sure how to get there.

When I say I know what I want, I mean life, love, career, pursuit of happiness, et cetera et cetera... I know a lot of people in their twenty-something years have no clue. But I think I've been so on-purpose with figuring this shit out that it's kind of overwhelming to know at this point.

You'd think a p'lair would be relieved.

I see the outcome so vivid; it's my reoccurring Technicolor daydream. But in the present reality, I sometimes get discouraged by not knowing how to start. There are so many people that say "just do it" a la footwear taglines but where? How? How much does that cost?

I know the real fact of the matter of course all boils down to my own flaws that I need to get a hold of. Mainly motivating myself & re-learning the art of discipline.

"You have not because you ask not."

And I honestly used to pray about these things frequently. And maybe, just maybe, that's where the real answer lies. It all comes full circle.

As I write, I know exactly what I should be doing. The hard part (read: not very hard at all) is actually doing it.

I'm my own worse enemy.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

..: Sweet Thoughts - Sex, Love & Compatibility:..

It's interesting how different dynamics present themselves within relationships.

Of course there are certain characteristics or traits that we look for in someone we choose to give our hearts to, but are never really sure of what's to come until shit gets real. And yeah, there's that whole astrology thing that comes into play, you know, if you choose to subscribe to that...

More on that later.

I'm learning that there is a MAJOR difference between being in love with someone and being in a relationship with said someone. In my eyes, love and relationship are two totally different things that at times get thrown together in the midst of emotion and ill fated logic.

Love is the easy part.

You can love a person for who they are. You can love a certain food. You can love the idea of love. But actually putting forth the effort to make that love work is another process within itself. Which brings about compatibility, lifestyle choices, goals, likes/dislikes and a plethora of other things that often get overlooked when love clouds your view.

Compatibility, whether it be within a friendship, relationship, sex, whatever... is something that CANNOT be forced by any means. When it is forced, shit gets weird and feelings get hurt. I can't speak for all women but I know for myself, if someone isn't giving me what I need emotionally, support-wise or sexually, then it creates a wedge within the relationship. And no matter how much you try to articulate how you feel or what you need, the other person just might not be able to give that to you because they don't love in that same way or refuse to understand your needs based on their own ignorance. (If you haven't already, please pick up a copy of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman or find your specific love language here)

Let's talk sex for a moment. I usually don't present myself in this way via social media or here on my blog but hey, whatever. If there's a problem with the discussion of sex in a frank manner, consider this your disclaimer.

I can be a very sexual person. I love sex; the idea of it, what it means to me and the endless possibilities. With me being very personality driven and open with people, I am very submissive in the bedroom. It's a sexual trait of mine that I have accepted and embraced. I don't mind having sex within a committed relationship by any means. The more the better. But there's something about being dominated or being in a position where I can trust the other person enough to take control and emblazon a trail of orgasmic revolution. That shit is sexy. Again, this is all my personal preference.

I would love to be a dominant, sexy beast. And maybe secretly I am. But FOR ME, it takes the right person to bring that out of me. Me and another submissive/passive person wouldn't do well together. Which brings it all full circle to compatibility again.

These sort of things need to be discussed when entering into a relationship with someone. I feel that you have to be explicit about what your standards are and what you expect from someone. If that's a conversation that gets overlooked then it could mean a world of trouble later on down the line when you long for a certain thing but never get it because of incompatibilities or miscommunication (remind me to revisit that in a later post.)

Back to that astrology thing I spoke of earlier.

I'm an Aries. A fire sign with a lot of energy and a few stubborn tendencies. Even though what they say about certain signs can be hit or miss, there are a few things that I feel to be true. In the area of friendship (and in relationships, for that matter) I always seem to attract signs where I am the least compatible. I have had 3 very good friendships with Taurus' that always come to a point where we bump heads continually, need A LOT of space or the friendship runs its' course.

There have been very special instances where I've had great relationships with people I've been deemed highly incompatible by the stars' definition. I think what made those relationships work was knowing the possibility of incompatibility but being open to working through whatever differences we had as individuals because we loved each other as individuals. In order to love freely and unconditionally, you have to accept people for who they are, flaws and all. Be willing to put in the work and climb those mountains when they present themselves (and they will.)

Even though love is the easy part, love is the glue that pulls things together if need be. When you're in a situation that seems to be falling to pieces amidst anger and frustration, it brings it all back in perspective. Love is like the ultimate super hero that comes along at just the right time when you least expect it or are fighting it the most.

Anyway, I'm done here... I think I've said more than enough.

Remember to love freely and allow yourself to be loved. It's a great feeling when it's done right.

Until later, my friends

Monday, November 12, 2012

.::Sweet Thoughts - Out of Touch With Myself::.

I'm in a weird headspace right now... I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is but I know I'm not myself. Maybe it's because I'm everywhere in my mind and can't keep a consistent focus. And I feel as though when I try to talk my thoughts out with others, I come off as being misunderstood and my problems menial.

Actually, I think I know what it is... I've been missing church. Not having those conversations like I should. I'm a spiritual wreck honestly. I joined a church a while ago because I felt a connection with the word being taught and the overall feeling of the congregation. But due to my work schedule and partly being lazy & unmotivated, I can't make it to Sunday service or bible study.

I need to get back on track. Get back to Him and get back to me. I know God has given me so many talents and ideas that I can't decipher within my own understanding. But if I take the time to humble myself and begin again, I'll be a lot more focused and able to breathe a little easier.

The past couple months have been trying. Stressed at work, unfulfilled in my position, wavering in my friendships and troubled about the wrong things. Somehow fear & doubt have crept back into my mental space to taunt me with their shenanigans. If I'd been solid in my Faith, this would be a whole different blog post.

Maybe I need to fast...

That may be the answer. I'll let you know what comes of these late breaking developments.

Much love,

Saturday, April 28, 2012

.:Sweet Celebration - Another Year in the Books:.

I'm 23.

That's the first time I've said that (or more so written) since my birthday a little more than a week ago.

This #BeautifulCrusade has been a journey of grandeur measures and emotions. Right now, I'm at a point where I have no excuses. It's definitely time to arrive since I clearly have checked out for a little bit...

But I guess my checking out has been due to a false sense of uncertainty that I've been making for myself. Using fear and doubt as an excuse to fall by the wayside and hold on to the clutch of subtle stability. Clearly with all my introspective-ness-ness over the past two years, I should know better... Right?

I get into these modes where I get hyped about starting something new, then carrying out event plans and business ventures. Then I accomplish something, wade in the waters of pseudo success for a bit and then I psyche myself out of doing it again out of 'fear' that I can't do it like I did before...

Clearly I'm crazy. Or maybe this is normal for a twentysomething... Being that I'm still in active pursuit of the #BeautifulCrusade, I'm still fine tuning who I am, what I stand for and my ultimate purpose for life. I'm about 95% sure of what I want to do and I have a somewhat clear picture of the woman I wish to be. But what I'm realizing about myself and other twentysomethings is that uncertainty is easy. Dwelling in the depths of ambiguity without making a concrete decision seems like I breeze, on the surface. It allows us to not adhere to any commitments and try things out/see where they go for extended periods of time.

That's a problem.

For me, I need to stop fooling myself with this ambiguous fear factor. I've done PLENTY and experienced more than my fair share to know that I am capable of not just anything, but everything. I'm just on this lazy autopilot that has me caught up in maybes and potential.

Being that I am truly on my own now, it is TOTALLY up to me to achieve ANYTHING. I must motivate and support myself if I want to see some changes and better myself business-wise, spiritually, health-wise and mentally.

I can't draw on the phrases such as "My family doesn't support me", "I'm not good enough compared to the competition" and "No one takes me seriously because I'm so young and cute".

The truth is, my family does support me with love. I'm good enough for me and there is no competition. Everyone has their own lane and expertise. And lastly, of course no one will take me seriously if I don't take myself seriously...

Personal development is damn hard... But it's necessary.

Much love,
Charrise Renee